Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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