Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
