that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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