I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
