Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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