i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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