so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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