I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
