I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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