I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
