I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
