It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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