I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
