She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
