ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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