He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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