he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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