Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
