someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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