I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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