I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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