I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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