you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
