I'm so fucking centered right now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So gin and wine won't be happening again
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
