so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
