I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
