Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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