It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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