yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
