Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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