Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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