I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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