ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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