I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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