Kiss
Puke
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize