The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
