I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
