that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
