this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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