he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
