one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
