I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
