dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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