i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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