3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
