OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
