When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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