we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
