Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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