Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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