Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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