I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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