sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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