Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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