Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
