2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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