my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
