Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
