meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
