Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
