Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
