i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
